These dramatic readings of postings to a fundamentalist Christian forum are occasionally hilarious, occasionally disturbing.

I know it’s not fair to cherry pick the stupidest posts, and that if you were to troll atheist forums I’m sure you’d find equally inane ramblings.

My car (a ragged 1984 Chevy Cavalier convertible) failed its smog test.

California requires old cars to go to a “Check only” station, which means that if they find a minor problem, they’re not allowed to fix it so the car passes the test.

The good news on my car is that the emissions are fine.  Most of my pollutants are at about 1/6 the allowed value — and carbon monoxide, which is allowed to be up to 0.69%, is 0.01%.  Combined with my only driving about 2000 miles a year, I’d say this means my emissions are pretty low.

Alas, my “Check Engine” idiot light had burnt out.  I’m not sure why that annoys the state of California, but it’s an automatic fail.  So I’m out $60, and I have to replace a light bulb and do it again to get my registration.

Annoying.

I did my midterm dance for my hip-hop class on Monday.  I got an A minus.  (The instructor said the only way to get lower than a C was to flip her off and leave the stage without dancing.  I think if you just do one of the two, you get a C+.)

My hope was that by taking this class, I’d become a slightly less sucky dancer.  As it turns out, the class is more about learning choreography than learning dance techniques, so I don’t think I’ll actually learn anything useful, except maybe I could theoretically spontaneously pop into my pre-memorized routine, which I’ve already forgotten.

I wasn’t the worst performer in the class, though I probably was in the bottom five.  I probably practiced more than anybody else in the bottom 20, though.

I understand that for the final we have some sort of dance battle against other crews, using our own choreography.  Screwed!

Our awesome friends Scott and Maria filmed Mary cooking and turned it into a show.

It was originally going to be called “Cooking With Mary,” but that was taken.  So now her screen name is Pandora, which is kind of appropriate, if you’ve seen her cook.

I think it needs a theme song.  Anybody?

I know it’s just a coincidence, but my personal life has been outrageously blessed ever since Obama has been president. To be fair, my life was swell during W’s reign, too.

Eight more years!

I finally did my taxes, and through some creatively stupid planning, I managed to pay an extra $2000 this year.  Somehow, in the worst year for stocks in forever, I managed to log a healthy paper profit.  If I’d sold and bought back a couple of my dogs back in December, I could have avoided this.

I made a similar (but reverse) mistake last year, recording nasty losses, when I could have taken some paper profits to balance them out.  I think ideally I like to net zero in investment income every year.  Somebody remind me next December to make that happen.

Of course, getting up to zero by next year could be quite a task…

When there’s a book and a movie, I usually try to see the movie first, because otherwise the greater depth of the book makes the movie seems shallow and disappointing.

This is a case in which I recommend the opposite.  I suspect that if you haven’t read the book, the movie will seem a little rushed, hinting at events you’d like a little more background of.

Read Watchmen.  If you don’t have a geeky friend you can borrow a copy from, your social circle needs expanding.

Then see the movie.  It’s a visual delight, and deserves the big screen.

And no, it’s not going to get a Best Picture nom.

Some folks were wondering why their comments weren’t showing up.  It turns out that, to reduce spam, I had all gmail and hotmail comments sent directly to the bad place that viagra ads go.

Not any more!

It’s Mary’s and my 12th anniversary today.  In honor, I’m going to repost a blog posting from 1997 (yeah, the term “blog” didn’t exist yet, but whatever) describing a sappy fable that was performed during our wedding ceremony.

A Wedding Tale

[Paul eventually moves onstage and reads:]

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who lived in an ivory tower. She was the most wonderful princess in the land, and men came from all over to woo her.

The Prince of Gold came to woo her. [John advances toward Mary, who knows nothing of this whole event.  He kneels and looks at her pleadingly. Audience laughs.] “If you marry me,” said the Prince, “I will make you happy. I have all the gold in the world [John jingles his bag of money. Audience laughs.], and our children will live in a great palace. You will have whatever you want, and we’ll be happy forever.”

Though the Prince was nice enough, he wasn’t exactly what the Princess had in mind. “Something is missing,” she thought. The Princess didn’t like to say no, because she was afraid of hurting people’s feelings. [Audience laughs, because this describes Young Mary exactly.] So she told the Prince of Gold, “That’s very nice. Let me think about it.” And the Prince of Gold left. [John leaves, looking sad.  Audience goes "awwww."]

The Prince of Beauty came to woo her. [Timmer, wearing a gorilla mask, kneels before Mary.  Audience laughs.] “If you marry me,” said the Prince, “I will make you happy. I am the only man in the world with the beauty to match yours. [Audience laughs.  Timmer wonders whether he thought this gorilla mask thing through thoroughly.] People will admire us wherever we go, and our children will be the most beautiful the world has ever seen. I will make you proud, and we’ll be happy forever.”

Though the Prince was nice enough, he wasn’t exactly what the Princess had in mind. “Something is missing,” she thought. The Princess didn’t like to say no, so she told the Prince of Beauty, “That’s very nice. Let me think about it.” And the Prince of Beauty left.  [Timmer leaves.]

The Prince of Strength came to woo her. [Eric, wearing a Jester's cap, kneels before Mary.  Audience laughs.  I don't know why.] “If you marry me,” said the Prince, “I will make you happy. I am the only man in the world with the strength to protect you. [Eric flexes.  Audience laughs.] We will be safe wherever we go, and our children will be the healthiest the world has ever seen. I will make you secure, and we’ll be happy forever.”

Though the Prince was nice enough, he wasn’t exactly what the Princess had in mind. “Something is missing,” she thought. The Princess didn’t like to say no, so she told the Prince of Strength, “That’s very nice. Let me think about it.” And the Prince of Strength left.  [Eric leaves, looking very sad. Audience sympathizes.]

Then another Prince came to woo her. “If you marry me,” said the Prince, “I will make you happy.”  [Mary looks at Joe meaningfully, praying that the fiasco is nearing a conclusion.  Audience goes, "awwwww."]

“Do you have gold?” asked the Princess.

“No,” said the Prince. [Audience laughs.] “We’ll have no gold but the gold in our hearts. Our children will learn that true wealth comes from Within.”

“Well, then,” asked the Princess, “if you don’t have gold, do you have beauty?”

“No,” said the Prince. [Audience laughs.] “I have no beauty but the beauty of truth. Our children will learn that true beauty comes from Honesty.”

“Well, then,” asked the Princess, “if you don’t have beauty, do you have strength?”

“No,” said the Prince. [Audience laughs.] “I have no strength but the strength of my love. Our children will learn that true security comes from Love.”

And the Princess looked at the Prince, and saw that he had no Gold, and no Beauty, and no Strength. [Audience laughs.] And she looked closer, and saw that this time, nothing was missing. This Prince was exactly what she had in mind.  [Audience cheers.]

So the Princess married the Prince of Nerds, and they were happy forever.

[Paul sits.  Audience cheers and applauds.  Wedding continues.]

I warned you it was sappy.

I’m cautiously optimistic about the Watchmen movie coming out this weekend.

I read the 12-issue comic book series back in 1986-1987.  It cemented in my mind what it could mean for comics to be literature or art.

It’s also an interesting time capsule about how we looked at the world during the Reagan era, with Soviet conflict and nuclear doomsday always lurking in the back of everyone’s mind.

Reading a book in serial form is interesting.  You have to wait for each installment, which leads to debate and dicussion with many peers about what’s going to happen next.  You don’t get that with a novel, because somebody’s already read it completely.  (I noticed the same thing with Stephen King’s Green Mile.)